WHAT THE DRUGS DID TO ME AND FOR ME!.....

My addiction started when I was 18 years old. At first, my drug of choice was only painkillers. But it didn't matter which ones, cause I would take any and all sometimes two or three at a time. At first I didn't have to worry about buying them and figuring out how to get them because my kids father and people who I knew for years were drug dealers and always had them. We use to go camping for three days sometimes four with a bag of a hundred pills, and come back with not one. But we thought we were on top of the world, "Unstoppable". We weren't addicts. We were just enjoying life not caring about anything else. But it was when I turned 21 that my life changed and things got bad. On my 21st birthday I had found out that I was pregnant again. It got rough when it came down to me having to stop taking the pills, and that's when I realized that this whole situation you no the one where "I Was Enjoying Life" was really a "Bad Drug Problem". It was really hard to stop but I was able to get myself to the point that I knew I had to do it for the baby. Now I'm sure that doesn't sound right but, I'm a drug addict and my thinking was crazy. Life was also really crazy at this point. My mom wasn't happy about me being pregnant again, she no longer liked the father of my children especially because he was a dealer. So my quick fix on the whole situation was to pack me and my daughter up and move over to my babies dads house and not talk to anyone in my family. After I had my son, it only took a day or so and I was right where I was the day I found out I was pregnant. The sad part is I found nothing wrong with it. This was a normal thing in my life. I thought it was normal that I took pills all day, couldn't function without them, fight with my boyfriend over every little thing and bounce around from house to house. In two years I went from my house, to his moms house, to my sisters apartment, to his brothers house. Then on top of this wind up getting pregnant again, and have to go through it all over again. My life was insane. Of course I was able to stop again for the baby but why did I even go back to the drugs? My youngest was born and I really don't know how to explain my life. We were broke, cause neither of us worked. The house was not in good condition, our TV bills and electric bills were so bad that they always got shut off and then we would beg people to put it under their names for us, and we always owed someone money whether it was family or dealers. I went on public assistance and food stamps, and thank god for that because if i didn't we probably wouldn't of had food, and I was just miserable. I hated my life, I hated me. Sometimes I wished I didn't wake up. Eventually pills got way to expensive. We called them "The Rich Man Drug" and that's when we were introduced to heroin. A matter a fact my next door neighbor was a dope dealer. Now I was always that girl who said eww I would never do that. That's gross. But when I did the heroin for the first time it became my new best friend and before you new it I was married to it. From the age 22-25 heroin was a part of my life almost everyday. For a long time I didn't understand why I needed the drugs. But after going through all of this for the second time around now, I am starting to understand. I never realized how miserable I was. I never regretted having my children, because my children are my life. But, I was 21 with three little kids. Stuck in a house all day, I was in a really bad relationship which eventually turned into an abusive one, I had no family in my life because I pretty much isolated myself away from them thinking they couldn't tell anything was going on,and I knew I was losing everything including myself. Towards the end we became desperate and would do anything to get the drugs. That's where the begging, borrowing, and stealing came from. My kids father was in and out of jail for stealing, writing bad checks, and for a whole bunch of other things, and the minute he got out we were back doing the same crap. Eventually he got put on probation, and I moved back home but that didn't stop the drug use. I wasn't allowed to be home without my step dad there, and I wound up in a bad situation with my babies daddy's probation officer which eventually got me caught up in all my lies. CPS knocked on the door handed me papers to appear in court and that's when I started my recovery process. I put myself into detox which was in Nassau county. After detox I wound up going into a sober crisis home for 7 days, and ended up in my 30 day program. When I completed the 30 days I left to go to Florida where I stayed with my sister and did outpatient, eventually wound up at my aunts house by my mom and eventually graduated from outpatient. I came back to New York court ordered did really good for a while got my rights back, tried to start a new life and managed to mess it all up again because I started messing around with the wrong people, put myself in really bad places, and started doing bad things again. You know, in rehab they tell you that when you are recovering many opportunities with drugs will approach u and that is so true. My last run in with drug, there was no stealing, there was no begging, but there was a lot of using. It was kind of like a reward to a drug addict. You spend all those years stealing and now u meet people who just want to hand it over. Girls of course have it so much easier just for being girls. But it was so easy and available and it seemed like no strings were involved. Until you get caught. That's what happen with me. I knew I had court, I knew I was getting drug tested, I knew I shouldn't have used but my addiction had me in a head lock. I couldn't get away from it this time. When I went back out, I went out ten times harder and did ten times more which left me so much sicker and regretting that I ever picked up again. The withdrawals alone will keep someone using. From the hot and cold sweats, to the throwing up and having to go to the bathroom. Not being able to sleep, and feeling like u just want to hang upside down and have someone pull on u cause you feel like your body is stuck. The restless leg syndrome where u can't lay down for to long but you can stand up either. The uncontrollable twitching, and shaking, runny nose, everything hurts and you have no energy what so ever. We know we are going to feel like this but heroin consumes you, I came off confident, I came off that I was very happy, played it off like I was mommy of the year. When that's not how I felt at all. The dope took over. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I always thought someone was out to get me and I always thought negative towards everything. Like I was incapable of doing anything and pretty much everything. I felt like I was useless and that I was doing so much more hurt then helping and in some cases didn't care if I died. Looking at it like maybe it would be a good thing for the kids. But never taking into consideration how much they love me and need me even though I have messed up. How they would feel growing up without their mommy who they loved dearly even though she is a drug addict. Family too. I never thought how it would make my mom feel, or my sister, my dad, my step dad, my brother. The list goes on. My family was always there even though in my mind they weren't. They were just fearing the worst. They didn't know what was going on, or what was going to happen. But that's what got me here today. I have had the opportunity to enter an amazing outpatient program where I meet amazingly brave people everyday. I get to meet other addicts, children of addicts, family members and I get to hear how they feel and what goes on in their heads. I have this new appreciation for addiction and I find myself wanting to know more and more and just help other people. Even though I am working everyday and going to counseling three nights a week, then working on my blog, and having to go back and fourth to appear in court and deal with CPS. I am now able to say that I love my life. Yeah it might not be easy and I am gonna have a lot of things to overcome still but I am excited and curious as to what its gonna be and how I am gonna feel about it. I want to be this Courtney, not the old one and I am no longer gonna back down. Whats the point. My life is amazing and I'm lucky to be able to share with everyone what its like. My kids are gonna have a mommy they can look up to and learn from. One that they are proud to have and a mommy that isn't always second guessing herself. I cant sit back anymore and let things get pushed aside and made worse. I have to do what I have to do even if I don't like it. Addiction stinks and I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life and it never go away but at least I know and understand it and ill learn more and more everyday!..

MY RESEARCH INFORMATION......

Addiction is a very complicated disorder. Most people believe 6 factors play a big part in addiction.

1. Genetic Tendency
2. Peer Pressure
3. Stress
4. Experimentation
5. Addictive Personality
6. Environment

Researchers estimate 30 to 40 percent of the reason people become addicted to drugs is due to genetic make up. Most believe people who come from a family with addiction will have a greater chance of becoming an addict. Low self esteem, depression, and anxiety also increase chances of addiction especially to drugs. Environment is also very important. If around people who use, if there was a chaotic childhood, or there was abuse in anyway alcohol or drugs provide a means of dealing with feelings of self-hate or alienation. Doing drugs cause some addicts to feel self confident and self assured in social situations. The drugs become a "CRUTCH" which means masking feelings in difficult situations which leads to the cannot do without the "FIX" in order to function. The high experienced causes cravings and a strong desire for the drug. Drug addiction does not discriminate. It doesn't matter about age, gender, ethnicity, social class or religion. No-one is immune to the reaching effects of addiction. But drug addiction doesn't just affect the user. It includes family and friends also. An addiction can develop from the most unlikely source or in someone you might assumed is the last person you would expect. Addiction isn't only about drugs and alcohol. It goes as far as Gambling, Shopping, Coffee, Computer Use, Food and the list goes on and on. All drugs have their problem. Whether classified as a "HARD" or "SOFT" drug. Very few people can beat their addiction on their own. Support is needed and very important. It takes willpower, determination, and around the clock work. Many people relapse, and have to go through programs more then once before being able to say we "KICKED THE HABIT". Drug addicts become controlled by the habit. Everything done is geared towards satisfying the need. Because it gets so uncontrollable crime gets thrown into the mix even though there will be consequences. DRUGS ALTER THE STRUCTURE AND FUNCTION OF THE BRAIN TO THE EXTENT THAT IT BEHAVES IN AN IRRATIONAL AND UNPREDICTABLE MANNER. CONCENTRATION, JUDGEMENT, RATIONAL THINKING, EMPATHY, AND SELF DISCIPLINE ARE ALL AFFECTED WHICH MAKE CRAVINGS AND DESIRE IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST. SOME DRUGS CAN CAUSE AN ADDICTION THE FIRST TIME USED.AS YOU TAKE THE DRUG, YOUR BODY BECOMES USED TO IT. THE TOLERANCE GROWS AND LARGER DOSES ARE NEEDED. IF NOT ENOUGH IS USED, THE WITHDRAWLS START. WITHDRAWLS BECOME SO UNPLEASANT THAT YOU USE MORE TO AVOID THAT FROM HAPPENING. You feel like you cant cope without and life becomes difficult to manage and basically consumes your life. No one likes to think of themselves as an addict. Drug addicts are not favored in society and generally public opinion is negative. Because of these reasons it is very easy to deny that there is a problem. It becomes difficult to believe that there even is an addiction, and when realized it is thought to be a sign of weakness or you are now a "BAD PERSON" in the drug addicts mind. With this being said it is important to get the help and support of family and friends rather then try and do it alone. Willpower most of the time isn't enough. Drug treatment and counseling on top of making changes with lifestyle, circle of friends, environment and old behaviours need to be taken serious.

OVER ALL SIGNS OF ADDICTION!.....

SIGNS OF DRUG ADDICTION......

* Developed tolerance requiring increasing amounts to feel the affects.
* Started to neglect responsibilities.
* Combining other drugs to get an even bigger high, or using dirty needles.
* Withdrawing from family (isolation), or acting in a mysterious or secretive manner especially about new
friends.
* Giving up hobbies, sports, or other interests as a result of the drugs.
* Losing control.
* Always thinking about drugs.
* Continued use of the drugs even though you suffer from ill effects (BLACKOUTS, OVERDOSE)

PHYSICAL SIGNS OF ADDICTION......

* Sudden Weight Loss.
* Bloodshot Eyes.
* Dilated Pupils, or Black Rimmed Eyes.
* Spots around the Nose and Mouth.
* Pale Skin.
* Facial Skin is in Poor Condition.
* Shakes.
* Loss Of Appetite.
* Unkempt Apperance.
* Needle Marks on Arms or Legs.

PSYCHOLOGICAL SIGNS OF ADDICTION......

* Paranoia
* Secretive Behaviour
* Mood Swings
* Outburts
* Irritability
* Extremes in Behaviours (Highs and Lows)
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Agitation
* Change In Personality

THE REALITY OF RECOVERY!...

You know lately I have had the opportunity to talk to and help out some close friends. Some addicts like myself, some the loved ones of the addict. Everyone always says the same thing "If only she/he would go into rehab". Yes of course it would be a great thing for anyone with an addiction to go into some kind of treatment. What most people don't understand, is that recovery is the hardest thing to go through.You see its easy to be an addict. We don't like something so we use, we feel sad we use, we need drugs we get them. The list goes on and on. When we are using we are numb we act like we care and most of the time we don't but not always intentionally. During recovery, we face things we haven't in years. We start to realize how many people we hurt and how many relationships we have ruined weather it be between a boyfriend or girlfriend or family. All of the damage that we thought went away when we used, all of a sudden is right there in our face waiting to be taken care of. Most of the time 10X's worse because it was pushed aside for so long. I don't think people really understand just how hard the recovery part can be. I feel bad for the people who say they can't stay with the addict because they are out of control, but say they would be by there side if they got help. The real test for the relationship will be during the recovery process. From the good days, to the bad days, to the happy one minute to the sad the next. We go from wanting to accomplish everything to not wanting anything, and this goes on and on for a long time sometimes years. I think that's why everyone says "You Have To Want It". If you don't really want it and you don't put your all into it nothing good will come out of it. Sure you can sit there and pretend, go with the whole "Fake It To Make It" approach and wind up right back out there. Pulling the same old tricks, manipulating anyone and everyone, and rationalizing everything. Then the next day your sick from withdrawals crying your eyes out to everyone who will listen to you, because you know you should have stayed clean and took your recovery more serious. I've been there, I've done that, and boy does it suck. If you thought the guilt and shame was bad then just wait! When I relapsed I didn't wanna look at anyone. There were so many times I wanted to cry, but found myself not able to. Feeling like I'm a zombie in a movie and ill wake up soon. I was always able to cry when it came to putting on the guilt trip so I could get money to get the drugs. But when it came to real life when I was suppose to cry "I Couldn't". I dunno about you but I don't want to go through that anymore. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to have regrets, and I want to be around to see my kids grow up. People have to realize that this is the hardest part of the whole addiction. A lot of people don't make it because of the fact that they couldn't deal with all that they have done. Support is definitly needed and definitly something that will help with the recovery process. But its not gonna be easy and in some cases might be harder to deal with then the drug addict. We can recover and become productive people, parents and get back the respect we so desperately want but recovery is a full time job. If you want to only be part time it wont work.

MY CHILDREN!..

Without a doubt my children are my world. Ever since I was little I always said I wanted a family of my own. But I didn't expect to be so young. It was two weeks before my Sweet Sixteen that I found out I was pregnant with my first child. My parents weren't happy with me but left me with the choice of what I wanted to do. In February of 2001 my daughter was born and I was so proud. In 2003 I graduated high school, and started dating the father of my two youngest children whom I eventually had in 2006. My journey in the drug world began in 2003 when I was 18. Now looking back and thinking about it I was so anti drugs throughout high school, its kind of weird that I wound up such an addict but things happen for a reason right? In 2003 I was introduced to painkillers and I was in love the minute I started. Not a day went by that I didn't take them, and in my world that was normal. In 2006 I had my second child which was my son. He was not born addicted because I had stopped using but I did started again and had to stop again because I wound up getting pregnant again and had my youngest 11months after my son. She to was not addicted because I had stopped using. It was after I had her, when my addiction hit its highest point. Its not that I didn't love my children. A lot of people are quick to say oh she didn't care. But that was far from the truth. At that point I didn't think I was an addict, I didn't think anything was wrong. In my mind I had a wonderful relationship, a house, a car, friends and my kids. But that was far from the truth. My relationship was horrible from the drug use, to the physical and mental abuse we did to each other. The house we lived in was in foreclosure and we knew we were eventually gonna have to leave but had no plan. Our cars were always uninsured and always trashed because my kids dad would crash into things and forget what happened. My friends weren't friends, they were drug dealers. My family wanted nothing to do with me and my children sat there everyday watching all the insanity. The sad part is, we didn't think there was anything wrong. HOW DISGUSTING!.. We couldn't afford the diapers, we couldn't afford to pay our bill so what did we do? We stopped taking pill and switched over to heroin because it was cheaper. If that's not insane I don't know what is. We always depended on everyone else to help financially with our kids, and we couldn't understand why everyone was so mad. We couldn't get out of bed unless we had drugs, and if we didn't we wouldn't get up until we did which most of the time left the TV babysitting the kids. But they never complained, they always had a smile on their face and they loved us unconditionally no matter what.
I was excited when I went into rehab the first time for the 30 day program in 2009. I went in there knowing I was an addict and I needed help. Walking around like I was doing it for me, and I wanted to learn and complete so I could get home to my kids. But the truth was that. I was there to do what I had to do to get home to my kids. I acted like I was suppose to and I preached rehab like I was taught over the 30 days . I wasn't happy with myself, I couldn't get over the guilt and shame, and I couldn't at that time give up on my kids father. I took all the focus off of me and my recovery, and focused on helping everyone else. After a while I became miserable again, and what did I do I went right back to self medicating and isolation which made my issues ten times worse. I knew I had court, I knew they were gonna test me, I knew that if I was caught I was in a lot of trouble but it didn't matter. Now once again my children are with my parents wondering where mommy is and when she is coming home. I have such a fear that they aren't missing me, and that they wont know me when I do come and see them. I fear that one day they are gonna give up on me and ask me where I was? But can I blame them? I know eventually everything is gonna be the way it should. I know I am gonna give them the life they deserve and I cant wait to show them just how much I missed them and how happy I am to have them in my life. They deserve a good Mommy, they need me there to help and support them with anything they do. I thank god each day that they are all so young because it means I will have a long time to watch them grow into amazing little people and I will be able to show them that mommy is better and never leaving their sides again.

HAVING TO LET GO!....

Having to let go of some of the things in my life had to be the hardest or one of the hardest things throughout my recovery. I am starting to realize now how obsessed I've become with control. It is so hard for me to go with "The One day At A Time" quote. I don't want to live in the day. I want to know what's gonna happen in an hour, day or week from now. I have a hard time understanding that life won't give me that option, and this is defiantly one of my struggles. When you do the drugs you feel so in control. You feel like your controlling anything and everything. We are by far the best liers and can manipulate everyone and every situation just to work in our favor. Not caring at all how others feel or how this will effect us tomorrow. Chasing that high so we can hide from real life and ourselves. You would be amazed at how many addicts really just don't like themselves. This is another struggle for me. I am always wondering what people have to say about me, and I sometimes feel so worthless. Like why am I here? I am hurting everyone especially the ones who stood their by my side while I killed myself more and more each day. The hard part is that they want to understand so bad. But they don't and probably never will. It's easy for them to become frustrated and walk away, not because they want to but because they fear the "What Ifs". Us addicts want and need the people in our lives but on our terms. We want your help and advice when we want it! What a bunch of hypocrites we are. It's amazing how much that pill, that drink, or that needle and bag of dope controls us and our thinking. There were times that there was no drugs, but just putting that needle in my arm gave me great satisfaction. The addiction creeps and attacks you anyway it can. A lot of people don't understand that addiction isn't just a mental thing. It doesn't care! When it comes full force it attacks, physically, mentally, and emotionally. People look at us like we are "Cold Hearted" but we cant feel. We no longer understand right from wrong cause we sat there for years rationalizing everything bad to be good and everything good got pushed to the side. It got pushed to the side with our morals, pride, and dignity. This is why recovery is so important. You don't have to stay that lost person. I personally don't know where I would be today, and I really don't know what I would be thinking. But I can tell u I am grateful, and things will get better.

A HIGHER POWER.....

This topic I have struggled with for a long time now. For a long time I truly didn't believe in a God or Higher Power. I always felt like if there was this Higher Power why did I hit rock bottom? Why did I ever use a drug? Why did I meet the people I met? I honestly found myself resenting my Higher Power and pushed it away thinking I didn't need to believe because believing so far got me where I was NOWHERE! Now as you can tell this was horrible thinking. I should have been thinking about it in many other ways. I truly feel like things happen for a reason. I should have been asking myself what have I learned and better yet what am I still learning? Would I have been the person I am today if I didn't got through all of the guilt, shame, and hurt? Would I have appreciated life? Wow so many questions. But questions we'll never have answers to, well at least some of them. I still struggle with this topic because somethings I just don't understand, and maybe its meant to be like that. But I do believe, and I am open and willing to anything I might have to face and learn. Cause deep down I know it will make me stronger and help me have the life me and my kids deserve.

FAMILY STRESS

U Know as addicts we don't care about anything except our drugs and how and where we r gonna get our next fix. We never sit there and ask the people that love us what their thinking or feeling because either we don't wanna hear it or really don't care. I was defiantly one of those addicts who didn't wanna hear it. I use to beg borrow and steal and had no shame in what i was doing. I use to justify everything in my head to make it OK when in reality it wasn't. I really didn't wanna hurt anyone, but in the end hurt everybody. I cant explain to you how many times my mother sat there asking me to explain to her what is going on and why I would do the things I do especially when I have three children who desperately need me and love me. At times I would really try and explain it, other times I would just tell her she wouldn't understand, and she would sit there and cry. In all honesty I don't think I even knew why I did the things I did. All I knew was I was getting some more of those drugs to make me feel good and forget about everything else even if it was just a couple of hours. But why do we do that? We know nothing is gonna get better, and everything will eventually get worse. I thought that for a long time, this is me. This is were I wanna be this is what I wanna do. Not caring about my family, my kids, my life. Death is a big part of drug addiction, us addicts don't no if these drugs are gonna hurt us or kill us and yet we don't care. Its the insanity of addiction. If I would have known that this drug addiction was about to lead me into the world of courts, child protective services, and lots and lots of rehab would I have stopped? That answer ill never know. But things happen for a reason, and I can honestly sit there and say I regret nothing. I regret nothing because it made me the person I am today. I can not longer hide from my issues, and I now have to face them and work through them. If I don't then I am setting myself up for another relapse something that I fear, and something that will definitely kill me.

DEAR ADDICTION!!!!

As part of an exercise for outpatient i had to write a letter to my youngest two children's father. In doing so and after reading my letter i realized that not only was i talking to him but i was also talking to my addiction:

DEAR ADDICTION,

I am writing you this letter to explain to you why this will be the last time you will hear or see from me.
Over the years, i had become obsessed and completely consumed with your life. You had me right where u needed and wanted me to be. Knowing i would do anything and everything for you. Always leaving me trying to fix the damage you have done weather it was with family or friends. For some reason in your mind you consider this love. But ultimately destroying my views on love and relationships which leaves me not able to trust anyone and HATE YOU. You walk around with your head held high acting like your life is so great and you got nothing but good things going on, while my head is always faced down holding onto the guilt and shame i have for all of the things we have done to our kids and to all of the people who have tryed to help us numerous times. I sit there looking at pictures of our kids, and wonder why that little bag of dope always seemed so much more important. We were blessed with 3 beautiful, happy and healthy children who really just wanted our love and attention, and would do just about anything to get it. Meanwhile there are people out there who will never get the chance to have their own children, and would never choose a drug over their kids. I have so much hate towards you just for the fact that you have messed up repeatedly while i got back to the kids and kept you in the home. always telling the how much you missed them and couldn't wait to see them and you did nothing when you had the chance. When i relapsed, you should have been there. you should have been the one telling them how much i loved them and missed them and couldn't wait to see them. But like always you couldn't be bothered and once again it was left for my parents to do. Seriously "HOW DARE YOU!!". You're like a leech, you'll take and take and use as much of somebody you can. Stripping away all their pride and dignity. leaving them wondering what they did wrong when really those were your in tensions the whole time. FOR WHAT?
Today i am telling you I AM DONE. I will no longer be your victim, and no longer will you rape me emotionally. I will no longer allow you any chance in ruining mine or my children's lives anymore. I can no longer accept your calls, your texts, or your emails. I am no longer putting myself thru your pity parties where its all about you and everyone else is always wrong. I have to now make you invisible to me, or to anybody who has anything to do with me. By me doing this, it's not payback because you so called got your life together, or because you got a new girlfriend. It's so I can move on and have the life I deserve and the kind of life the kids deserve. For me this is my closure to you. I am finally ready and able to say GOODBYE.