About Me
- COURTNEY
- My name is Courtney, and I am 25 years old. I am a proud mommy of three beautiful children ranging from the ages 9 to 3. For the past 8 years of my life, I had become heavily addicted to both pain pills and heroin. I lived in this world of denial, and such horrible guilt and shame. In 2009 I began my recovery process and had gone and completed a 30 day program followed by some outpatient, thinking I was good and I had this disease figured out but boy was I wrong. In august of 09 I had a relapse, and when I went back out, life became unmanageable and so insane that I lost everything. I lost trust I worked so hard to get back, I temporarily lost the rights to my children, and I lost all hope in believing life could be better. Since February of this year I have been enrolled in a 7 ½ month outpatient program. In doing so, I have so much more understanding and appreciation for life. By me doing this blog, and talking about my daily struggles and thoughts I hope to show people that with a little bit of work and a lot of effort, life can get better and the possibilities are endless.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
FAMILY STRESS
U Know as addicts we don't care about anything except our drugs and how and where we r gonna get our next fix. We never sit there and ask the people that love us what their thinking or feeling because either we don't wanna hear it or really don't care. I was defiantly one of those addicts who didn't wanna hear it. I use to beg borrow and steal and had no shame in what i was doing. I use to justify everything in my head to make it OK when in reality it wasn't. I really didn't wanna hurt anyone, but in the end hurt everybody. I cant explain to you how many times my mother sat there asking me to explain to her what is going on and why I would do the things I do especially when I have three children who desperately need me and love me. At times I would really try and explain it, other times I would just tell her she wouldn't understand, and she would sit there and cry. In all honesty I don't think I even knew why I did the things I did. All I knew was I was getting some more of those drugs to make me feel good and forget about everything else even if it was just a couple of hours. But why do we do that? We know nothing is gonna get better, and everything will eventually get worse. I thought that for a long time, this is me. This is were I wanna be this is what I wanna do. Not caring about my family, my kids, my life. Death is a big part of drug addiction, us addicts don't no if these drugs are gonna hurt us or kill us and yet we don't care. Its the insanity of addiction. If I would have known that this drug addiction was about to lead me into the world of courts, child protective services, and lots and lots of rehab would I have stopped? That answer ill never know. But things happen for a reason, and I can honestly sit there and say I regret nothing. I regret nothing because it made me the person I am today. I can not longer hide from my issues, and I now have to face them and work through them. If I don't then I am setting myself up for another relapse something that I fear, and something that will definitely kill me.
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I can not describe how proud I am that you started this blog. Addiction is a horrible & deadly disease and is one of the hardest things that a person needs to face. Not only does it make you take a hard & debilitating look at your self but the people in your life that it affects. Many do not understand that addiction and recovery is a life changing experience. As long as you use the tools you are given, your perception and choices in life will become healthy descions. When you begin to take the "STEPS" and follow all the suggetions your life can begin anew and all will follow. Love you and keep up with your sobriety and the life you are creating for you and your children. One minute, one hour, one day at at time. Love you. C. Morano
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