MY CHILDREN!..

Without a doubt my children are my world. Ever since I was little I always said I wanted a family of my own. But I didn't expect to be so young. It was two weeks before my Sweet Sixteen that I found out I was pregnant with my first child. My parents weren't happy with me but left me with the choice of what I wanted to do. In February of 2001 my daughter was born and I was so proud. In 2003 I graduated high school, and started dating the father of my two youngest children whom I eventually had in 2006. My journey in the drug world began in 2003 when I was 18. Now looking back and thinking about it I was so anti drugs throughout high school, its kind of weird that I wound up such an addict but things happen for a reason right? In 2003 I was introduced to painkillers and I was in love the minute I started. Not a day went by that I didn't take them, and in my world that was normal. In 2006 I had my second child which was my son. He was not born addicted because I had stopped using but I did started again and had to stop again because I wound up getting pregnant again and had my youngest 11months after my son. She to was not addicted because I had stopped using. It was after I had her, when my addiction hit its highest point. Its not that I didn't love my children. A lot of people are quick to say oh she didn't care. But that was far from the truth. At that point I didn't think I was an addict, I didn't think anything was wrong. In my mind I had a wonderful relationship, a house, a car, friends and my kids. But that was far from the truth. My relationship was horrible from the drug use, to the physical and mental abuse we did to each other. The house we lived in was in foreclosure and we knew we were eventually gonna have to leave but had no plan. Our cars were always uninsured and always trashed because my kids dad would crash into things and forget what happened. My friends weren't friends, they were drug dealers. My family wanted nothing to do with me and my children sat there everyday watching all the insanity. The sad part is, we didn't think there was anything wrong. HOW DISGUSTING!.. We couldn't afford the diapers, we couldn't afford to pay our bill so what did we do? We stopped taking pill and switched over to heroin because it was cheaper. If that's not insane I don't know what is. We always depended on everyone else to help financially with our kids, and we couldn't understand why everyone was so mad. We couldn't get out of bed unless we had drugs, and if we didn't we wouldn't get up until we did which most of the time left the TV babysitting the kids. But they never complained, they always had a smile on their face and they loved us unconditionally no matter what.
I was excited when I went into rehab the first time for the 30 day program in 2009. I went in there knowing I was an addict and I needed help. Walking around like I was doing it for me, and I wanted to learn and complete so I could get home to my kids. But the truth was that. I was there to do what I had to do to get home to my kids. I acted like I was suppose to and I preached rehab like I was taught over the 30 days . I wasn't happy with myself, I couldn't get over the guilt and shame, and I couldn't at that time give up on my kids father. I took all the focus off of me and my recovery, and focused on helping everyone else. After a while I became miserable again, and what did I do I went right back to self medicating and isolation which made my issues ten times worse. I knew I had court, I knew they were gonna test me, I knew that if I was caught I was in a lot of trouble but it didn't matter. Now once again my children are with my parents wondering where mommy is and when she is coming home. I have such a fear that they aren't missing me, and that they wont know me when I do come and see them. I fear that one day they are gonna give up on me and ask me where I was? But can I blame them? I know eventually everything is gonna be the way it should. I know I am gonna give them the life they deserve and I cant wait to show them just how much I missed them and how happy I am to have them in my life. They deserve a good Mommy, they need me there to help and support them with anything they do. I thank god each day that they are all so young because it means I will have a long time to watch them grow into amazing little people and I will be able to show them that mommy is better and never leaving their sides again.