HAVING TO LET GO!....

Having to let go of some of the things in my life had to be the hardest or one of the hardest things throughout my recovery. I am starting to realize now how obsessed I've become with control. It is so hard for me to go with "The One day At A Time" quote. I don't want to live in the day. I want to know what's gonna happen in an hour, day or week from now. I have a hard time understanding that life won't give me that option, and this is defiantly one of my struggles. When you do the drugs you feel so in control. You feel like your controlling anything and everything. We are by far the best liers and can manipulate everyone and every situation just to work in our favor. Not caring at all how others feel or how this will effect us tomorrow. Chasing that high so we can hide from real life and ourselves. You would be amazed at how many addicts really just don't like themselves. This is another struggle for me. I am always wondering what people have to say about me, and I sometimes feel so worthless. Like why am I here? I am hurting everyone especially the ones who stood their by my side while I killed myself more and more each day. The hard part is that they want to understand so bad. But they don't and probably never will. It's easy for them to become frustrated and walk away, not because they want to but because they fear the "What Ifs". Us addicts want and need the people in our lives but on our terms. We want your help and advice when we want it! What a bunch of hypocrites we are. It's amazing how much that pill, that drink, or that needle and bag of dope controls us and our thinking. There were times that there was no drugs, but just putting that needle in my arm gave me great satisfaction. The addiction creeps and attacks you anyway it can. A lot of people don't understand that addiction isn't just a mental thing. It doesn't care! When it comes full force it attacks, physically, mentally, and emotionally. People look at us like we are "Cold Hearted" but we cant feel. We no longer understand right from wrong cause we sat there for years rationalizing everything bad to be good and everything good got pushed to the side. It got pushed to the side with our morals, pride, and dignity. This is why recovery is so important. You don't have to stay that lost person. I personally don't know where I would be today, and I really don't know what I would be thinking. But I can tell u I am grateful, and things will get better.