WHAT THE DRUGS DID TO ME AND FOR ME!.....

My addiction started when I was 18 years old. At first, my drug of choice was only painkillers. But it didn't matter which ones, cause I would take any and all sometimes two or three at a time. At first I didn't have to worry about buying them and figuring out how to get them because my kids father and people who I knew for years were drug dealers and always had them. We use to go camping for three days sometimes four with a bag of a hundred pills, and come back with not one. But we thought we were on top of the world, "Unstoppable". We weren't addicts. We were just enjoying life not caring about anything else. But it was when I turned 21 that my life changed and things got bad. On my 21st birthday I had found out that I was pregnant again. It got rough when it came down to me having to stop taking the pills, and that's when I realized that this whole situation you no the one where "I Was Enjoying Life" was really a "Bad Drug Problem". It was really hard to stop but I was able to get myself to the point that I knew I had to do it for the baby. Now I'm sure that doesn't sound right but, I'm a drug addict and my thinking was crazy. Life was also really crazy at this point. My mom wasn't happy about me being pregnant again, she no longer liked the father of my children especially because he was a dealer. So my quick fix on the whole situation was to pack me and my daughter up and move over to my babies dads house and not talk to anyone in my family. After I had my son, it only took a day or so and I was right where I was the day I found out I was pregnant. The sad part is I found nothing wrong with it. This was a normal thing in my life. I thought it was normal that I took pills all day, couldn't function without them, fight with my boyfriend over every little thing and bounce around from house to house. In two years I went from my house, to his moms house, to my sisters apartment, to his brothers house. Then on top of this wind up getting pregnant again, and have to go through it all over again. My life was insane. Of course I was able to stop again for the baby but why did I even go back to the drugs? My youngest was born and I really don't know how to explain my life. We were broke, cause neither of us worked. The house was not in good condition, our TV bills and electric bills were so bad that they always got shut off and then we would beg people to put it under their names for us, and we always owed someone money whether it was family or dealers. I went on public assistance and food stamps, and thank god for that because if i didn't we probably wouldn't of had food, and I was just miserable. I hated my life, I hated me. Sometimes I wished I didn't wake up. Eventually pills got way to expensive. We called them "The Rich Man Drug" and that's when we were introduced to heroin. A matter a fact my next door neighbor was a dope dealer. Now I was always that girl who said eww I would never do that. That's gross. But when I did the heroin for the first time it became my new best friend and before you new it I was married to it. From the age 22-25 heroin was a part of my life almost everyday. For a long time I didn't understand why I needed the drugs. But after going through all of this for the second time around now, I am starting to understand. I never realized how miserable I was. I never regretted having my children, because my children are my life. But, I was 21 with three little kids. Stuck in a house all day, I was in a really bad relationship which eventually turned into an abusive one, I had no family in my life because I pretty much isolated myself away from them thinking they couldn't tell anything was going on,and I knew I was losing everything including myself. Towards the end we became desperate and would do anything to get the drugs. That's where the begging, borrowing, and stealing came from. My kids father was in and out of jail for stealing, writing bad checks, and for a whole bunch of other things, and the minute he got out we were back doing the same crap. Eventually he got put on probation, and I moved back home but that didn't stop the drug use. I wasn't allowed to be home without my step dad there, and I wound up in a bad situation with my babies daddy's probation officer which eventually got me caught up in all my lies. CPS knocked on the door handed me papers to appear in court and that's when I started my recovery process. I put myself into detox which was in Nassau county. After detox I wound up going into a sober crisis home for 7 days, and ended up in my 30 day program. When I completed the 30 days I left to go to Florida where I stayed with my sister and did outpatient, eventually wound up at my aunts house by my mom and eventually graduated from outpatient. I came back to New York court ordered did really good for a while got my rights back, tried to start a new life and managed to mess it all up again because I started messing around with the wrong people, put myself in really bad places, and started doing bad things again. You know, in rehab they tell you that when you are recovering many opportunities with drugs will approach u and that is so true. My last run in with drug, there was no stealing, there was no begging, but there was a lot of using. It was kind of like a reward to a drug addict. You spend all those years stealing and now u meet people who just want to hand it over. Girls of course have it so much easier just for being girls. But it was so easy and available and it seemed like no strings were involved. Until you get caught. That's what happen with me. I knew I had court, I knew I was getting drug tested, I knew I shouldn't have used but my addiction had me in a head lock. I couldn't get away from it this time. When I went back out, I went out ten times harder and did ten times more which left me so much sicker and regretting that I ever picked up again. The withdrawals alone will keep someone using. From the hot and cold sweats, to the throwing up and having to go to the bathroom. Not being able to sleep, and feeling like u just want to hang upside down and have someone pull on u cause you feel like your body is stuck. The restless leg syndrome where u can't lay down for to long but you can stand up either. The uncontrollable twitching, and shaking, runny nose, everything hurts and you have no energy what so ever. We know we are going to feel like this but heroin consumes you, I came off confident, I came off that I was very happy, played it off like I was mommy of the year. When that's not how I felt at all. The dope took over. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I always thought someone was out to get me and I always thought negative towards everything. Like I was incapable of doing anything and pretty much everything. I felt like I was useless and that I was doing so much more hurt then helping and in some cases didn't care if I died. Looking at it like maybe it would be a good thing for the kids. But never taking into consideration how much they love me and need me even though I have messed up. How they would feel growing up without their mommy who they loved dearly even though she is a drug addict. Family too. I never thought how it would make my mom feel, or my sister, my dad, my step dad, my brother. The list goes on. My family was always there even though in my mind they weren't. They were just fearing the worst. They didn't know what was going on, or what was going to happen. But that's what got me here today. I have had the opportunity to enter an amazing outpatient program where I meet amazingly brave people everyday. I get to meet other addicts, children of addicts, family members and I get to hear how they feel and what goes on in their heads. I have this new appreciation for addiction and I find myself wanting to know more and more and just help other people. Even though I am working everyday and going to counseling three nights a week, then working on my blog, and having to go back and fourth to appear in court and deal with CPS. I am now able to say that I love my life. Yeah it might not be easy and I am gonna have a lot of things to overcome still but I am excited and curious as to what its gonna be and how I am gonna feel about it. I want to be this Courtney, not the old one and I am no longer gonna back down. Whats the point. My life is amazing and I'm lucky to be able to share with everyone what its like. My kids are gonna have a mommy they can look up to and learn from. One that they are proud to have and a mommy that isn't always second guessing herself. I cant sit back anymore and let things get pushed aside and made worse. I have to do what I have to do even if I don't like it. Addiction stinks and I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life and it never go away but at least I know and understand it and ill learn more and more everyday!..