MY VISIT HOME!....

OK so maybe life isn't so bad after all. I have to admit I am always the negative one. I never think anything will work out for me, and I am always stressing over the things that I wanna change. Most things I can change, some things I can't and that's not because I don't want to. It's because they are the things that are out of my control. I have said it time and time again that I cannot go along with the "One day At A Time" quote. I find that the quote really just makes me angry. I think that the quote is good for the people who only have to worry about themselves. As a mother I think that it's impossible to stay in the day. Especially because anything could happen today tomorrow or a month from now. Weather we like it or not there are always the what ifs. I feel like as a parent I should be concerned and have some what of a plan. It's no secret that I have been wrapped up in the Family Court System for the past two years. I have had my ups and down and came back around more then once but I can honestly say this time my experience with the courts was not only exciting but pleasant. You know its amazing what good comes out of the good things you do. It might sound funny but most of the time I don't even understand the comments of "I'm so proud of you" and "The wow look shes back". I find myself saying What are you guys talking about? What did I do?. In all honesty I find myself scratching my head trying to figure it out, but also noticing the difference in who I am and who I was. For the first time coming back home for the court and the visiting was proof of just how lucky I am. It's not fun, and it's scary as hell but these are the things that change my life. When I went into the 30 day program back in 09 I walked out of there like I was cured and my life was going to be great. I didn't need drugs, they didn't have any affect on me.. I came out acted like I was a wonderful person who was ready to be a mom, deal with life and act like nothing ever happened. I put on a show for CPS, Family Court, My Parents, My Kids, and Myself. I faked it till I thought I could make it and look where it got me. I now lost my children again, I not only did drugs but now my addiction was 10X's worse, CPS was ready to cut me off, and I made a complete fool of myself to the Family courts. I thought my addiction was invisible, "Shhhh nobody can tell" when really everyone was watching me fade away into a world that would suck me in until I was dead. For a while I hid from CPS and the courts because I was so ashamed and I felt like I would never get a second chance. Due to my actions, I had to eventually man up and call them. I had to show them what I am doing about my addiction, and what I am doing to assure that my children have a good life. I was so nervous about having to walk into the Courthouse. At this point I have done so much damage that in my mind I thought I had now ruined all of my chances. But I was wrong. For the first time in my life I walked in there prepared with all my papers, and with the attitude that there was nothing I could do about my past. Whats done was done, and at this point I can only do what I am told and prove to everyone that this time I really got to work on me. I went in there scared but not guarded, no lying, no hiding my arms. Just ready to talk to them about everything good or bad. In doing so, the outcome was truly amazing. The judge complimented me, I wound up with great council, and I really felt good about myself because I stayed true and honest. I was able to hold my babies and tell them how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them and I was finally able to tuck them in. People take the small stuff for granted and I can honestly say cherish every moment. The trip back home made me realize that I am a strong person. I could walk away from my past of drug use, my past relationships, and that me that nobody new. I am who I should be and for once I look in the mirror and like who and what I see!.....

WHEN THE UNEXPECTED HAPPENS!...

You know, life can be amazing, crazy, sad, happy, the list goes on and on. I best describe my life as a puzzle. For a long time the pieces would not fit together. To some people my life seemed great. To me my life was empty, I was empty always feeling alone and always very doubtful. Today I find Myself hopeful, happy and always wanting to know more about anything and everything. Throughout my recovery, not only am I meeting the most amazing people, but I am facing the personal issues I have that are so stupid and and little that have effected me up until today. For a long time now I struggle with the word love. What is Love? I know I Love my children, I would do anything for them. They are apart of me, and I find myself sitting there wondering how these beautiful intelligent kids came out of me. It's so amazing to see how much they grow, change, resemble others. There is nothing more rewarding then watching them especially when your a mother and held those babies in your stomach for 9 months. I wonder if that's how my mother felt or feels?... Coming to New York I was scared, nervous and really stressed out. I am now back in a place that I ran away from. The places look no different, the people are still the same or worse then the last time I saw them, and things are just thrown at u when u least expect it ready or not. Surprisingly when I came home everyone was there with open arms. Court went amazing and people are starting to believe in me once again. Hearing how proud they are of me for accomplishing all that I have done in the past couple of months, leaving me scratching my head wondering what it is that I did. I know I'm not the same person I was, and I'm not gonna lie its hard and not very easy to admit your wrongs and face them head on so that you an change them and make it right. But it's got to be done. I entered my program quiet and isolated. Scared to pretty much talk to everyone, even the wall. Slowly I began to put more and more effort into becoming open and willing. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I no longer wanted to be obsessed with my self image, sitting there picking myself apart until I couldn't look in the mirror anymore. I was ready to give up a couple of times. But that's when I got blessed with all of the people whom I have met in the last 5 months and my family of course. In group, you constantly meet new people who sit there and listen to you moan and groan about what happen that day, who pissed you off , and what your gonna do about it. They understand your feeling and thoughts because they to are going through it in their own way. Some give advise but nobody ever passes judgement. My life changed so much, the day I walked into those doors. It makes my family that much bigger. Recovery opens so many doors. If you pick the right ones and do good things, good things happen!....

HAVING SOMETHING SPECIAL!...

On top of me meeting amazing people from counseling and meetings, or catching up with family and friends whom I haven't seen or heard from in a long time, I have had the opportunity to meet this amazing person who I refer to as my favorite person. For a really, really long time I felt useless and unwanted. Like what could I possibly have to offer somebody especially with all of the things going on in my life. My past relationships were so insane and out of control that it made me not care or believe that there is somebody out there who could accept me especially with all my flaws. I mean OK nobody's perfect, but not everyone has all the drama and problems that I have. It was about two, two and a half months ago when me and my favorite person started talking. Right off the bat we had so much in common. He was the first person I turned around to and flat out said what was going on with me. The drugs, the kids, counseling, all the drama and didn't hold anything back. In all honesty I thought he would take off running, and maybe in the beginning I wanted him too. Thank God he didn't though because he has been there for me, ready to hear me vent about everything that goes on in my life. Do we hangout everyday NO, do we talk everyday YES and people are always quick to judge on how weird we handle our relationship but IT WORKS!... The only thing about the whole situation is that I have a big control problem. I over analyze everything and I second guess everything. He tell me all the time "Not to look for someone to complete me, but to look for someone who compliments me." I thought to myself wow that really makes sense and also thought he was a little crazy for saying it but I thinks that's because he was right!.. My guard has been up for a very long time, and to have somebody that can balance me out when I'm in a bad mood, and actually make me realize I am wrong in some situations without making me feel attacked is pretty amazing. But it's not easy either. I'm not use to having somebody acknowledge me and go out of their way to talk to me about counseling or court, or how blue the sky is today. We could talk about anything for hours. No judgement passed, maybe a little sarcasm but who doesn't love that. I find myself wanting to know more, and wanting to spend more time with him cause its fun. He's managed to take a place in my heart that I thought was dead and gone a long time ago. Truthfully I have no idea where this relationship is gonna go, or what will happen. But I look at it like "People are put in our lives for a reason" and what we have is something I will always cherish. There have been days where my self worth was as low as it could get, and I'm lucky not only because I get to have somebody in my life that I am interested in and admire, but he also accepts me for me! In the end if nothing came out it I would forever have a friend!

RETURNING HOME!....

It was about a month ago that I found out I would have to go home for about a week so I could appear in court. I would be lying if I told everyone that I wasn't nervous or a little stressed out about it. The reality is, I am going to back to what I ran away from. There are people whom I will bump into, places that will remind me of my past and well there are always things. It amazes me how the brain can take a song whether it was while copping dope or using dope, and that song now becomes a trigger or a reminder. It really makes you think just how much the addiction has a hold on you. How it just sits there in the back of your mind and waits for that moment of weakness where it can creep in and corrupt you.The only good thing about it is that I realize what could happen, and I realize it's waiting for me to get to that point. At this very moment I am in control of my addiction. I'll never say I'm a recovered addict, and you'll barely ever hear me say I'm a recovering addict even though that's exactly what I am. To me, I'm a drug addict and I'll be a drug addict for the rest of my life. Last time I walked around saying I was a recovered or recovering drug addict I picked up again and I had so many regrets and no longer cared about my life. "SO HOW DO I RETURN HOME, AND DEAL WITH THE DRAMA?" It's simple I have no choice. I have to go back, and I have to deal with the things I've done, the people I hurt, and the people who hurt me. I have to accept things for what they are and fix whatever I can. For the people I hurt, I need to apologize even though they might now accept it and show then that I am no longer that person. As for the people who have hurt me. I have to take them for who they are and understand they may never change or aren't ready to yet. I have to remember that nobody is perfect, and I shouldn't be afraid to look them in the eyes. I am doing nothing wrong. For some reason I put people on a pedestal and step back saying nothing. Then I hold it in and end up bottling it up inside until I blow up and lose my mind. I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE! At the end of the day, I know who I am and what I should or shouldn't do. I may be a drug addict who is working on my recovery. But I am also a person, a mother, a daughter, and a sister with alot to offer. I could sit here and dwell on all that I have done or i could say goodbye to that old person and move on to the new person where the possabilities are endless. It is definatly scary walking away from the drug addict because that is your comfort zone, and thats all you've know for the past years. It's scary not knowing whats going to happen next but atleast I'm still alive, and atleast I still have a chance to get things right!...

WHAT DO I WANT MY CHILDREN TO THINK OF ME!...

This week, my mother called me and asked me "What or How do I want my children to think of me?" When she asked me I couldn't answer her. It was shocking to me how much I struggled with that one question. For a long time I felt like I ruined everything. I walked in and out of their lives so much the past two years, that I began thinking that maybe they didn't love me or care about me anymore. At times I felt like they would have a much better life if i was to just go away. But that's the effect the heroin had on me. In my mind everyone was out to get me, everyone was always looking at me which eventually made me isolate myself to everyone including my family, and I lived in the same house as them. It amazes me how much a drug can change a person. When it changes you, it changes everything about you. Us drug addicts are so blind to what its doing to us, that we start thinking everyone else is crazy. I thank God that I was able to stop using again, and that I'm still alive. I now see how important I am to my children, my family, and my friends. I get pictures of my children, and I am so proud! They are so beautiful and all they want is their Mommy. Always making me pictures, or leaving me messages singing the songs they learned in school that day, or just saying how much they love me and hear them kissing the phone. That's whats special to me. You see they didn't give up on me. They never have and they still need me and want me there. My children are my world, and to be honest if I didn't have them I don't know where I'd be today. Or if I would still be alive for that matter. So I guess to answer my mothers question, I want my children to think and no that they are my everything. That I am fighting this addiction to get better and get back to them, and have a wonderful life. I want them to think "Wow my Mommy really loves me! MORE THEN ANYTHING! " I want them to know that anything is possible and I wanna prove that to them. I want them to know and understand how sorry I am that I haven't been there but I will make it up to them. I want them to know that even though I have missed some days and nights with them that not a day goes by that I didn't or don't think about them. I want them to be proud of me and understand that mommy will do anything and everything for them!...

ATTITUDE!..... ( A hand out from group!)

ATTITUDE!....

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past...

We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,

and this is our attitude...

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... We are in charge of our attitudes!"

ACCEPTANCE!... (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (THIRD ADDITION) PAGE 449)

ACCEPTANCE!...

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation,

some fact of life which is unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept

that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this

moment. Nothing absolutely "Nothing" happens in God's world by mistake.

Until I could accept my alcoholism (or drug addiction), I could not stay sober;

unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, as on what

needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.