MY VISIT HOME!....

OK so maybe life isn't so bad after all. I have to admit I am always the negative one. I never think anything will work out for me, and I am always stressing over the things that I wanna change. Most things I can change, some things I can't and that's not because I don't want to. It's because they are the things that are out of my control. I have said it time and time again that I cannot go along with the "One day At A Time" quote. I find that the quote really just makes me angry. I think that the quote is good for the people who only have to worry about themselves. As a mother I think that it's impossible to stay in the day. Especially because anything could happen today tomorrow or a month from now. Weather we like it or not there are always the what ifs. I feel like as a parent I should be concerned and have some what of a plan. It's no secret that I have been wrapped up in the Family Court System for the past two years. I have had my ups and down and came back around more then once but I can honestly say this time my experience with the courts was not only exciting but pleasant. You know its amazing what good comes out of the good things you do. It might sound funny but most of the time I don't even understand the comments of "I'm so proud of you" and "The wow look shes back". I find myself saying What are you guys talking about? What did I do?. In all honesty I find myself scratching my head trying to figure it out, but also noticing the difference in who I am and who I was. For the first time coming back home for the court and the visiting was proof of just how lucky I am. It's not fun, and it's scary as hell but these are the things that change my life. When I went into the 30 day program back in 09 I walked out of there like I was cured and my life was going to be great. I didn't need drugs, they didn't have any affect on me.. I came out acted like I was a wonderful person who was ready to be a mom, deal with life and act like nothing ever happened. I put on a show for CPS, Family Court, My Parents, My Kids, and Myself. I faked it till I thought I could make it and look where it got me. I now lost my children again, I not only did drugs but now my addiction was 10X's worse, CPS was ready to cut me off, and I made a complete fool of myself to the Family courts. I thought my addiction was invisible, "Shhhh nobody can tell" when really everyone was watching me fade away into a world that would suck me in until I was dead. For a while I hid from CPS and the courts because I was so ashamed and I felt like I would never get a second chance. Due to my actions, I had to eventually man up and call them. I had to show them what I am doing about my addiction, and what I am doing to assure that my children have a good life. I was so nervous about having to walk into the Courthouse. At this point I have done so much damage that in my mind I thought I had now ruined all of my chances. But I was wrong. For the first time in my life I walked in there prepared with all my papers, and with the attitude that there was nothing I could do about my past. Whats done was done, and at this point I can only do what I am told and prove to everyone that this time I really got to work on me. I went in there scared but not guarded, no lying, no hiding my arms. Just ready to talk to them about everything good or bad. In doing so, the outcome was truly amazing. The judge complimented me, I wound up with great council, and I really felt good about myself because I stayed true and honest. I was able to hold my babies and tell them how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them and I was finally able to tuck them in. People take the small stuff for granted and I can honestly say cherish every moment. The trip back home made me realize that I am a strong person. I could walk away from my past of drug use, my past relationships, and that me that nobody new. I am who I should be and for once I look in the mirror and like who and what I see!.....