WEEKS OF FUSTRATION.........

In the past it's been really hard for me to talk about my feelings to my family. I have always had an issue where I felt like everything I said was either stupid or just not a valid feeling. I am the person who will bottle up my emotions inside until I burst and then nobody wants to know me. I turn into this person who not only wants to hear nothing you have to say, but will sit there and tell you off by saying mean and hurtful things. It took me a really long time to admit that I can be that person, and from time to time that side will come out. Just recently my life has changed more then I could have ever imagined. I recently got to be with my children, I now have an amazing boyfriend and I have earned respect and trust back from family and friends. I have graduated out of intensive outpatient and into aftercare and for once in my life I feel like I can accomplish almost anything. I was able to get the closure I needed for certain things and it made me realize just how much I have changed since February. On top of all of this good, there has been a lot of confusion and drama within the family. My safe haven has suddenly turned into a chaotic mess leaving people angry, isolated, and depressed. You know step one is "Admitting we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives have become unmanageable." Well, that by far is the easiest step for me to acknowledge, accept and talk about. My addiction took over. I was no longer Courtney. As far as I was concerned Courtney was gone a long time ago. The unmanageable part was obvious, I lost everything including the desire to change. I didn't care what happened to me I thought that everyone would be better off without me. But that right there is the insanity of addiction. Step 2 is "Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." When I first heard this I laughed. I didn't know what I believed in. If I couldn't believe in myself how was I ever going to believe in a Power greater then myself. When people read the steps they think, "OK well I can do all of this piece of cake". As for me, I struggled, because in my drug addict mind I was that worthless person . So I thought! I can definitely be a stubborn person. But from the beginning of my program I was also very willing and open to learn everything about my addiction and what was going on. I couldn't handle things the old way, because they got me right back to where I started. So every week in group counseling I walked through those doors and I complained, throwing hissy fits in a room full of people who passed no judgement. I started to realize that I need to speak out to my family and friends, and stick up for what I believe in even if at the time nobody was standing there behind me. I needed to realize that there are people out there who enjoy the person I am and love me for ME. I shouldn't be afraid to be me! As soon as all of these things started to change, so did my life. I am no longer looking to vent in a room full of people, I now want to address the problem figure out the best way to handle it and get it done. Wow!! Who is this girl?? I hear the "I'm so proud of you!" speech all the time. I didn't get it, and to be honest I was sick of hearing it. But I am finally able to accept it, and that alone feels amazing. Just recently, all the drama in my life has been the ultimate test as to how strong I have become. For the past couple of months, my family has been on a emotional roller coaster. Whether it was something I had to deal with or something that my sister had to deal with. There was talk about staying in Florida, moving back to New York, who was going to live here, who was gonna live there. It got to the point where I was just so furious with my sister. I admit, it was selfish on my part because I didn't take into consideration how she was feeling or what she was going through. It took me a little while but I eventually realized that whatever she had to do, she was doing not to mess up my life but to keep her life in order and to provide a better life for her kids. I shouldn't of been mad, I should have been supportive, I mean she has been there for me every time I messed up, why was it so hard for me to do? I became angry with myself because I knew I was wrong. Who the hell was I to have any say in what she was doing to benefit her life and the life of her children? I cried, I stressed out, and it made me sit back back and think deep about everything going on. Then one day I said, "whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen!!" I found myself analyzing the whole situation and trying to find out all of my options, and trying to make a plan so I could finish what I started. I found that finally I achieved step 3; "Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand him." Wow, three steps in and I'm not even realizing it. I actually enjoy life, I feel complete for once. I can honestly say I have never been in this place before. I am excited for tomorrow and the next day. My children are healthy and amazing and still have all the love in the world for their Mommy. My program is amazing, my family and friends love having me around and actually get upset when I leave now. I am missed!.. I have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me. It's not all about him, and he makes a point to tell me how much he loves and appreciates me each day. Its amazing how one person can love you so much and make every minute so worth it and so perfect. I feel like were a team and we are unstoppable. I actually feel bad for the people who try and stand in our way. I no longer want to doubt anything, and I want to enjoy every second I can. I was never afraid of death, it came along with being an addict. Today I can say I'm afraid, not so much of the death itself but because I wouldn't want to miss any day, minute, second, or any memory with the most important people in my life. I am lucky I got a second chance to realize just how special my life is and what I have to offer. Not many people get it, and when they finally do, it's too late. They have nothing and its too late to fix because either they ruined all of their relationships; they go to jail, or get locked up in a long term program or die. If I can do it anyone can!....