RETURNING HOME!....

It was about a month ago that I found out I would have to go home for about a week so I could appear in court. I would be lying if I told everyone that I wasn't nervous or a little stressed out about it. The reality is, I am going to back to what I ran away from. There are people whom I will bump into, places that will remind me of my past and well there are always things. It amazes me how the brain can take a song whether it was while copping dope or using dope, and that song now becomes a trigger or a reminder. It really makes you think just how much the addiction has a hold on you. How it just sits there in the back of your mind and waits for that moment of weakness where it can creep in and corrupt you.The only good thing about it is that I realize what could happen, and I realize it's waiting for me to get to that point. At this very moment I am in control of my addiction. I'll never say I'm a recovered addict, and you'll barely ever hear me say I'm a recovering addict even though that's exactly what I am. To me, I'm a drug addict and I'll be a drug addict for the rest of my life. Last time I walked around saying I was a recovered or recovering drug addict I picked up again and I had so many regrets and no longer cared about my life. "SO HOW DO I RETURN HOME, AND DEAL WITH THE DRAMA?" It's simple I have no choice. I have to go back, and I have to deal with the things I've done, the people I hurt, and the people who hurt me. I have to accept things for what they are and fix whatever I can. For the people I hurt, I need to apologize even though they might now accept it and show then that I am no longer that person. As for the people who have hurt me. I have to take them for who they are and understand they may never change or aren't ready to yet. I have to remember that nobody is perfect, and I shouldn't be afraid to look them in the eyes. I am doing nothing wrong. For some reason I put people on a pedestal and step back saying nothing. Then I hold it in and end up bottling it up inside until I blow up and lose my mind. I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE! At the end of the day, I know who I am and what I should or shouldn't do. I may be a drug addict who is working on my recovery. But I am also a person, a mother, a daughter, and a sister with alot to offer. I could sit here and dwell on all that I have done or i could say goodbye to that old person and move on to the new person where the possabilities are endless. It is definatly scary walking away from the drug addict because that is your comfort zone, and thats all you've know for the past years. It's scary not knowing whats going to happen next but atleast I'm still alive, and atleast I still have a chance to get things right!...