AWARENESS VIDEO MADE BY ME!

INFORMATION THAT INSPIRED ME TO MAKE THIS VIDEO!

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WEEKS OF FUSTRATION.........

In the past it's been really hard for me to talk about my feelings to my family. I have always had an issue where I felt like everything I said was either stupid or just not a valid feeling. I am the person who will bottle up my emotions inside until I burst and then nobody wants to know me. I turn into this person who not only wants to hear nothing you have to say, but will sit there and tell you off by saying mean and hurtful things. It took me a really long time to admit that I can be that person, and from time to time that side will come out. Just recently my life has changed more then I could have ever imagined. I recently got to be with my children, I now have an amazing boyfriend and I have earned respect and trust back from family and friends. I have graduated out of intensive outpatient and into aftercare and for once in my life I feel like I can accomplish almost anything. I was able to get the closure I needed for certain things and it made me realize just how much I have changed since February. On top of all of this good, there has been a lot of confusion and drama within the family. My safe haven has suddenly turned into a chaotic mess leaving people angry, isolated, and depressed. You know step one is "Admitting we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives have become unmanageable." Well, that by far is the easiest step for me to acknowledge, accept and talk about. My addiction took over. I was no longer Courtney. As far as I was concerned Courtney was gone a long time ago. The unmanageable part was obvious, I lost everything including the desire to change. I didn't care what happened to me I thought that everyone would be better off without me. But that right there is the insanity of addiction. Step 2 is "Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." When I first heard this I laughed. I didn't know what I believed in. If I couldn't believe in myself how was I ever going to believe in a Power greater then myself. When people read the steps they think, "OK well I can do all of this piece of cake". As for me, I struggled, because in my drug addict mind I was that worthless person . So I thought! I can definitely be a stubborn person. But from the beginning of my program I was also very willing and open to learn everything about my addiction and what was going on. I couldn't handle things the old way, because they got me right back to where I started. So every week in group counseling I walked through those doors and I complained, throwing hissy fits in a room full of people who passed no judgement. I started to realize that I need to speak out to my family and friends, and stick up for what I believe in even if at the time nobody was standing there behind me. I needed to realize that there are people out there who enjoy the person I am and love me for ME. I shouldn't be afraid to be me! As soon as all of these things started to change, so did my life. I am no longer looking to vent in a room full of people, I now want to address the problem figure out the best way to handle it and get it done. Wow!! Who is this girl?? I hear the "I'm so proud of you!" speech all the time. I didn't get it, and to be honest I was sick of hearing it. But I am finally able to accept it, and that alone feels amazing. Just recently, all the drama in my life has been the ultimate test as to how strong I have become. For the past couple of months, my family has been on a emotional roller coaster. Whether it was something I had to deal with or something that my sister had to deal with. There was talk about staying in Florida, moving back to New York, who was going to live here, who was gonna live there. It got to the point where I was just so furious with my sister. I admit, it was selfish on my part because I didn't take into consideration how she was feeling or what she was going through. It took me a little while but I eventually realized that whatever she had to do, she was doing not to mess up my life but to keep her life in order and to provide a better life for her kids. I shouldn't of been mad, I should have been supportive, I mean she has been there for me every time I messed up, why was it so hard for me to do? I became angry with myself because I knew I was wrong. Who the hell was I to have any say in what she was doing to benefit her life and the life of her children? I cried, I stressed out, and it made me sit back back and think deep about everything going on. Then one day I said, "whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen!!" I found myself analyzing the whole situation and trying to find out all of my options, and trying to make a plan so I could finish what I started. I found that finally I achieved step 3; "Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand him." Wow, three steps in and I'm not even realizing it. I actually enjoy life, I feel complete for once. I can honestly say I have never been in this place before. I am excited for tomorrow and the next day. My children are healthy and amazing and still have all the love in the world for their Mommy. My program is amazing, my family and friends love having me around and actually get upset when I leave now. I am missed!.. I have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me. It's not all about him, and he makes a point to tell me how much he loves and appreciates me each day. Its amazing how one person can love you so much and make every minute so worth it and so perfect. I feel like were a team and we are unstoppable. I actually feel bad for the people who try and stand in our way. I no longer want to doubt anything, and I want to enjoy every second I can. I was never afraid of death, it came along with being an addict. Today I can say I'm afraid, not so much of the death itself but because I wouldn't want to miss any day, minute, second, or any memory with the most important people in my life. I am lucky I got a second chance to realize just how special my life is and what I have to offer. Not many people get it, and when they finally do, it's too late. They have nothing and its too late to fix because either they ruined all of their relationships; they go to jail, or get locked up in a long term program or die. If I can do it anyone can!....

MY VISIT HOME!....

OK so maybe life isn't so bad after all. I have to admit I am always the negative one. I never think anything will work out for me, and I am always stressing over the things that I wanna change. Most things I can change, some things I can't and that's not because I don't want to. It's because they are the things that are out of my control. I have said it time and time again that I cannot go along with the "One day At A Time" quote. I find that the quote really just makes me angry. I think that the quote is good for the people who only have to worry about themselves. As a mother I think that it's impossible to stay in the day. Especially because anything could happen today tomorrow or a month from now. Weather we like it or not there are always the what ifs. I feel like as a parent I should be concerned and have some what of a plan. It's no secret that I have been wrapped up in the Family Court System for the past two years. I have had my ups and down and came back around more then once but I can honestly say this time my experience with the courts was not only exciting but pleasant. You know its amazing what good comes out of the good things you do. It might sound funny but most of the time I don't even understand the comments of "I'm so proud of you" and "The wow look shes back". I find myself saying What are you guys talking about? What did I do?. In all honesty I find myself scratching my head trying to figure it out, but also noticing the difference in who I am and who I was. For the first time coming back home for the court and the visiting was proof of just how lucky I am. It's not fun, and it's scary as hell but these are the things that change my life. When I went into the 30 day program back in 09 I walked out of there like I was cured and my life was going to be great. I didn't need drugs, they didn't have any affect on me.. I came out acted like I was a wonderful person who was ready to be a mom, deal with life and act like nothing ever happened. I put on a show for CPS, Family Court, My Parents, My Kids, and Myself. I faked it till I thought I could make it and look where it got me. I now lost my children again, I not only did drugs but now my addiction was 10X's worse, CPS was ready to cut me off, and I made a complete fool of myself to the Family courts. I thought my addiction was invisible, "Shhhh nobody can tell" when really everyone was watching me fade away into a world that would suck me in until I was dead. For a while I hid from CPS and the courts because I was so ashamed and I felt like I would never get a second chance. Due to my actions, I had to eventually man up and call them. I had to show them what I am doing about my addiction, and what I am doing to assure that my children have a good life. I was so nervous about having to walk into the Courthouse. At this point I have done so much damage that in my mind I thought I had now ruined all of my chances. But I was wrong. For the first time in my life I walked in there prepared with all my papers, and with the attitude that there was nothing I could do about my past. Whats done was done, and at this point I can only do what I am told and prove to everyone that this time I really got to work on me. I went in there scared but not guarded, no lying, no hiding my arms. Just ready to talk to them about everything good or bad. In doing so, the outcome was truly amazing. The judge complimented me, I wound up with great council, and I really felt good about myself because I stayed true and honest. I was able to hold my babies and tell them how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them and I was finally able to tuck them in. People take the small stuff for granted and I can honestly say cherish every moment. The trip back home made me realize that I am a strong person. I could walk away from my past of drug use, my past relationships, and that me that nobody new. I am who I should be and for once I look in the mirror and like who and what I see!.....

WHEN THE UNEXPECTED HAPPENS!...

You know, life can be amazing, crazy, sad, happy, the list goes on and on. I best describe my life as a puzzle. For a long time the pieces would not fit together. To some people my life seemed great. To me my life was empty, I was empty always feeling alone and always very doubtful. Today I find Myself hopeful, happy and always wanting to know more about anything and everything. Throughout my recovery, not only am I meeting the most amazing people, but I am facing the personal issues I have that are so stupid and and little that have effected me up until today. For a long time now I struggle with the word love. What is Love? I know I Love my children, I would do anything for them. They are apart of me, and I find myself sitting there wondering how these beautiful intelligent kids came out of me. It's so amazing to see how much they grow, change, resemble others. There is nothing more rewarding then watching them especially when your a mother and held those babies in your stomach for 9 months. I wonder if that's how my mother felt or feels?... Coming to New York I was scared, nervous and really stressed out. I am now back in a place that I ran away from. The places look no different, the people are still the same or worse then the last time I saw them, and things are just thrown at u when u least expect it ready or not. Surprisingly when I came home everyone was there with open arms. Court went amazing and people are starting to believe in me once again. Hearing how proud they are of me for accomplishing all that I have done in the past couple of months, leaving me scratching my head wondering what it is that I did. I know I'm not the same person I was, and I'm not gonna lie its hard and not very easy to admit your wrongs and face them head on so that you an change them and make it right. But it's got to be done. I entered my program quiet and isolated. Scared to pretty much talk to everyone, even the wall. Slowly I began to put more and more effort into becoming open and willing. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I no longer wanted to be obsessed with my self image, sitting there picking myself apart until I couldn't look in the mirror anymore. I was ready to give up a couple of times. But that's when I got blessed with all of the people whom I have met in the last 5 months and my family of course. In group, you constantly meet new people who sit there and listen to you moan and groan about what happen that day, who pissed you off , and what your gonna do about it. They understand your feeling and thoughts because they to are going through it in their own way. Some give advise but nobody ever passes judgement. My life changed so much, the day I walked into those doors. It makes my family that much bigger. Recovery opens so many doors. If you pick the right ones and do good things, good things happen!....

HAVING SOMETHING SPECIAL!...

On top of me meeting amazing people from counseling and meetings, or catching up with family and friends whom I haven't seen or heard from in a long time, I have had the opportunity to meet this amazing person who I refer to as my favorite person. For a really, really long time I felt useless and unwanted. Like what could I possibly have to offer somebody especially with all of the things going on in my life. My past relationships were so insane and out of control that it made me not care or believe that there is somebody out there who could accept me especially with all my flaws. I mean OK nobody's perfect, but not everyone has all the drama and problems that I have. It was about two, two and a half months ago when me and my favorite person started talking. Right off the bat we had so much in common. He was the first person I turned around to and flat out said what was going on with me. The drugs, the kids, counseling, all the drama and didn't hold anything back. In all honesty I thought he would take off running, and maybe in the beginning I wanted him too. Thank God he didn't though because he has been there for me, ready to hear me vent about everything that goes on in my life. Do we hangout everyday NO, do we talk everyday YES and people are always quick to judge on how weird we handle our relationship but IT WORKS!... The only thing about the whole situation is that I have a big control problem. I over analyze everything and I second guess everything. He tell me all the time "Not to look for someone to complete me, but to look for someone who compliments me." I thought to myself wow that really makes sense and also thought he was a little crazy for saying it but I thinks that's because he was right!.. My guard has been up for a very long time, and to have somebody that can balance me out when I'm in a bad mood, and actually make me realize I am wrong in some situations without making me feel attacked is pretty amazing. But it's not easy either. I'm not use to having somebody acknowledge me and go out of their way to talk to me about counseling or court, or how blue the sky is today. We could talk about anything for hours. No judgement passed, maybe a little sarcasm but who doesn't love that. I find myself wanting to know more, and wanting to spend more time with him cause its fun. He's managed to take a place in my heart that I thought was dead and gone a long time ago. Truthfully I have no idea where this relationship is gonna go, or what will happen. But I look at it like "People are put in our lives for a reason" and what we have is something I will always cherish. There have been days where my self worth was as low as it could get, and I'm lucky not only because I get to have somebody in my life that I am interested in and admire, but he also accepts me for me! In the end if nothing came out it I would forever have a friend!

RETURNING HOME!....

It was about a month ago that I found out I would have to go home for about a week so I could appear in court. I would be lying if I told everyone that I wasn't nervous or a little stressed out about it. The reality is, I am going to back to what I ran away from. There are people whom I will bump into, places that will remind me of my past and well there are always things. It amazes me how the brain can take a song whether it was while copping dope or using dope, and that song now becomes a trigger or a reminder. It really makes you think just how much the addiction has a hold on you. How it just sits there in the back of your mind and waits for that moment of weakness where it can creep in and corrupt you.The only good thing about it is that I realize what could happen, and I realize it's waiting for me to get to that point. At this very moment I am in control of my addiction. I'll never say I'm a recovered addict, and you'll barely ever hear me say I'm a recovering addict even though that's exactly what I am. To me, I'm a drug addict and I'll be a drug addict for the rest of my life. Last time I walked around saying I was a recovered or recovering drug addict I picked up again and I had so many regrets and no longer cared about my life. "SO HOW DO I RETURN HOME, AND DEAL WITH THE DRAMA?" It's simple I have no choice. I have to go back, and I have to deal with the things I've done, the people I hurt, and the people who hurt me. I have to accept things for what they are and fix whatever I can. For the people I hurt, I need to apologize even though they might now accept it and show then that I am no longer that person. As for the people who have hurt me. I have to take them for who they are and understand they may never change or aren't ready to yet. I have to remember that nobody is perfect, and I shouldn't be afraid to look them in the eyes. I am doing nothing wrong. For some reason I put people on a pedestal and step back saying nothing. Then I hold it in and end up bottling it up inside until I blow up and lose my mind. I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE! At the end of the day, I know who I am and what I should or shouldn't do. I may be a drug addict who is working on my recovery. But I am also a person, a mother, a daughter, and a sister with alot to offer. I could sit here and dwell on all that I have done or i could say goodbye to that old person and move on to the new person where the possabilities are endless. It is definatly scary walking away from the drug addict because that is your comfort zone, and thats all you've know for the past years. It's scary not knowing whats going to happen next but atleast I'm still alive, and atleast I still have a chance to get things right!...

WHAT DO I WANT MY CHILDREN TO THINK OF ME!...

This week, my mother called me and asked me "What or How do I want my children to think of me?" When she asked me I couldn't answer her. It was shocking to me how much I struggled with that one question. For a long time I felt like I ruined everything. I walked in and out of their lives so much the past two years, that I began thinking that maybe they didn't love me or care about me anymore. At times I felt like they would have a much better life if i was to just go away. But that's the effect the heroin had on me. In my mind everyone was out to get me, everyone was always looking at me which eventually made me isolate myself to everyone including my family, and I lived in the same house as them. It amazes me how much a drug can change a person. When it changes you, it changes everything about you. Us drug addicts are so blind to what its doing to us, that we start thinking everyone else is crazy. I thank God that I was able to stop using again, and that I'm still alive. I now see how important I am to my children, my family, and my friends. I get pictures of my children, and I am so proud! They are so beautiful and all they want is their Mommy. Always making me pictures, or leaving me messages singing the songs they learned in school that day, or just saying how much they love me and hear them kissing the phone. That's whats special to me. You see they didn't give up on me. They never have and they still need me and want me there. My children are my world, and to be honest if I didn't have them I don't know where I'd be today. Or if I would still be alive for that matter. So I guess to answer my mothers question, I want my children to think and no that they are my everything. That I am fighting this addiction to get better and get back to them, and have a wonderful life. I want them to think "Wow my Mommy really loves me! MORE THEN ANYTHING! " I want them to know that anything is possible and I wanna prove that to them. I want them to know and understand how sorry I am that I haven't been there but I will make it up to them. I want them to know that even though I have missed some days and nights with them that not a day goes by that I didn't or don't think about them. I want them to be proud of me and understand that mommy will do anything and everything for them!...